The Adventures of Rick and Harry Sanchez
by Jake456
Summary: Rick finds a baby while traveling through Britain and decides to adopt him.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series or Rick and Morty.

Please note that this Rick is not the one from universe C-137, this one is from universe C-147.

But other characters from the show might appear.

Chapter 1

Rick Sanchez looked at the baby in the basket and mused, 'Why am I doing this? Oh yeah,' he thought, to prove that he could and besides he could make sure this little one ended up better than Beth, no fucking Jerry's in his life and hey, he could take care of a child. He didn't have a Morty yet but he could take care of this kid, like a pet, all those other Ricks had pets and he wanted one for himself, maybe he'd love the child.

He picked the boy up and said, "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub kid, we're going to have fun," as he activated the portal gun and teleported to The Citadel and he walked over to another Rick who was sitting behind a desk and said, "Hi, Rick Sanchez of universe C-147."

"Hi, what is that?" the other Rick asked.

"A child from my universe, he was left in front of a, burrrrp, house and the people there were fucking idiots so I said to myself, 'I don't have a Morty or a child and my Beth married an even dumber than usual version of Jerry,' so."

"Say no more," the Rick said, "Just sign these forms. Hmmm, let's see, there's an note in the basket."

The Rick picked it up and said, "Blah blah blah, bullshit, even more bullshit and this is nothing but pixie wangs and fairy piss. Okay, yeah, it looks like you can take care of him, Harry Potter."

As Rick 147 let out a belch he said, "Fuck, that's a stupid name. We'll keep Harry but I'll let him use my last name."

The boy looked at him with bright green eyes and Rick said, "Ahh, aren't you a cute, ummm, little baby."

"You do realize," the other Rick said, "That he'll need to actually be fed, right?"

"Of course! What do you, umm, think I am," Rick said, "Rick Sanchez of Universe C-999!?"

They both shuddered, they knew who Rick Sanchez of universe C-999 was, only universe C-666 was worse than C-999.

"Yeah but stop by the Citadel shop, there are automatic machines that will feed him and change his diapers."

Harry giggled as Rick walked, carrying his basket and said, "Who's gonna be daddy's little helper? You are."

A few minutes later at Bird-world of universe C-147.

Birdperson looked up at the time and said, "Who would come this late during the sleep cycle?" As if he needed to know, he shook his head and opened the door and saw Rick holding a basket with a baby in it.

Belching loudly Rick said, "Hey, umm, Birdperson, I kinda need a place to, to, umm, what do you call it? Oh yeah, crash."

"I thought," Birdperson said, "You were going to stay with your daughter and her husband?"

"Don't get me started," Rick groaned, "They're both stupid as shit, Jerry Smith is an idiot with a, umm, capital I."

"He, he, he made Beth go to vet school and she's gonna be an animal doctor. Jeez, I think they have a word for that and it's called failure."

"Who is the hatchling you have?" Birdperson asked confused, "Is he your hatchling?"

"Nah, found him on the streets Birdperson," Rick said belching as he collapsed.

Birdperson looked down and saw a note on the basket, he picked it up and began to read.

Birdperson said, "Oh dear."

Rick woke up when the sun was shining and he said, "Birdperson?"

"I am feeding your child," Birdperson said, "Did you read the note that came with the child?"

"It's bullshit," Rick said, looking around for something to drink.

"It seems to be important," Birdperson said, "It might not be safe over there for him until he is old enough."

Rick looked at him and blinked and, "What?

Birdperson looked at Rick and said, "This child's family was killed by an evil wizard using evil magic."

"Magic!?" Rick spat, "Let me tell you what magic is: its science that idiots don't understand yet. You know I could go back in time, shoot a caveman in the fucking head and be fucking god to those backward savages! Forget being a wizard, I'll be a fucking god to them and they'll build statues to me."

Birdperson frowned but nodded and said, "It would be best if you stay here until he is ready to go to the school of pig disease."

"School!?" Rick spat out, "What school? Let me see this."

"Oh, this is," Rick said, "This is worse than fairy piss, this is garbage! Good thing I wasn't going to let him go to regular school, I was going to teach him myself."

"I fear," Birdperson said, "That will only make him into another person like yourself."

Rick shrugged and said, "Whatever, so I guess we can crash here and I can take him on adventures. You hear that little Harry? You and daddy are going on crazy and crazier adventures, doesn't that sound fun?"

Harry's eyes widened and Birdperson frowned, it was like the Hatchling understood but he would hopefully provide a useful counterbalance to Rick's more eccentric behaviours.

He looked around and sighed, what do baby humans eat?

TBC

How will Harry be like when he is raised by Rick and Birdperson?

Rick vs the Wizarding world, who would win?

Please note that Rick and Birdperson will NOT be a couple. Just in case you were wondering.

Please rate and review.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapter.

Warning: Things might get a little strange in this chapter.

Warning #2: Some minor M/M slash in this chapter.

Note: I don't have anything against Harry Potter fanfics, it just that some of them get a little odd at times.

Chapter 2

Rick blinked as he saw the alternate version of his adoptive son currently on his back being serviced by a fucking snake thing.

"Okay," he said, "Why'd I do this?"

"Ssssilence Muggle," The snakeman hissed, "You are helpless before us."

"Yeah, sure," Rick said as he got free of the manacles and rubbed his wrists, he sighed and drank a bottle down.

The snakeman hissed, "In Merlin's name, how!?"

"It's called a lock pick genius," Rick said belching as he punched a deatheater out, grabbed his portal gun and fiddled with it.

He looked at the snakeman and said, "What's your name?"

"Voldemort!" He screeched, "It's Voldemort!"

Rick shrugged and said, "So why are you fucking a freaking fifteen-year-old?"

"He is my lover, we were meant to be!" Voldemort hissed.

"Yeah, yeah, that makes no sense, why would this little idiot fall for you? I mean you killed his fucking parents and for some stupid reason his friends are apparently spies or sexual deviants, not that I can judge or care," Rick ranted.

"I mean jeez, do some people not understand simple genetics? You are a group of people who are apparently breeding yourselves out of existence," Rick said, snapping his fingers as he adjusted his portal gun.

Voldemort hissed in shock and Rick said, "That's why your own fucking "magic" created those people calling themselves Muggleborns, it's trying to keep itself fucking alive and, well, with you basically being magic Hitler, killing the people that are trying to make sure you don't go the way of the dinosaurs."

"Mudbloods?" Voldemort screeched, "Mudbloods are thieves!"

Rick gave him the finger and shot a portal underneath Voldemort, Rick belched, "You're lucky, errp, lucky because, because, I need you alive."

Voldemort blinked and whispered, "Where am I?

Several other Voldemorts showed up with eerily calm looks and in different suits, he noticed that one was wearing a chicken suit, suddenly one of them ran towards him, grabbed him and vomited into his mouth and he was absorbed by Unity.

"Thanks Unity," Rick yelled through the portal.

The Voldemorts nodded and walked away with their new brother.

"What!?" Harry Potter screeched, "Where's my lover you muggle bastard!?"

"Oh yeah, hurt me with words," Rick snorted, "The only way you could've hurt me you've done it already, half the Harry Potters I met either got married or get fucked by people more, uuurp, fucking inbred than any stereotypical redneck and in fact," Rick said as he created a portal and a banjo playing Lucius Malfoy appeared with a Draco that danced and giggled and Rick said, "He comes from Universe 85 where inbreeding has basically destroyed the wizard population. Oh yeah, they're fucking each other, disgusting."

Harry blinked and said what? You're insane

Rick walked over, hugged him and said, "Don't worry, I'm gonna raise my, umm, Harry way better than you are," and he shot a portal underneath Harry's feet and the boy found himself in a jungle and a massive dinosaur roared at him. Harry whispered in parseltongue and the dinosaur stopped and looked at the boy in confusion.

Harry smirked and thought, 'That old fool will rue this day…' when he touched his pocket and said, "A note?"

He looked at the note and read out, "Hey idiot, guess what killed the dinosaurs? Look up."

"Oh Bugger!" Harry said as he looked up and realised that he was underneath the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs.

As Rick transported back to Birdworld, Birdperson walked in and said, "Harry is asleep."

"Good, good," Rick said softly, "Got another Voldemort and, err, Dumblefuck."

"Dumbledore," Birdperson said, "And why do you this? Why go to your son's alternate histories?"

"Because," Rick said, "He's fucking five now and I actually care about him. In half of the timelines I went to he is A: either betrayed or raped by people he loves or B: falls in love with magic Hitler or C: gets a harem of men or women who he impregnates or is impregnated by."

Rick looked up and said, "Hmm, I have to check that out because I don't want a fucking magic Jerry thinking my Harry's ass is a fire that needs his hose for him to put out."

Birdperson frowned and said, "How would we test such a thing out?"

"Don't worry," Rick said, "I'll just do a scan."

"Would you care if he marries a man?" Birdperson asked, "I didn't think you cared."

"I don't," Rick said, "Marriage is a lie half the time and I wouldn't care if he fucked a Grommelnite, I think they're genderless."

Birdperson nodded, he sat down and said, "He is doing well with other children though the other Birdpeople like him, we often get invited over even if he is foulmouthed at times," he said as he looked at Rick.

Rick sighed and said of course he's foulmouthed he learnt language skills from me he's fucking uurp smart

They both sighed and Birdperson said, "I have procured the latest Daily Prophet."

He showed the paper to Rick who noticed that the main headline said: WHERE IS THE BOY WHO LIVED?

"These people are fucking sheep," Rick said, "They don't have any concept of thinking for themselves. They, they sit there being spoon-fed by their government through it's mouthpiece."

Rick coughed and said, "Great, more advertisements for moving chocolate, this is how these inbred people use a fucking reality altering power? They fucking use it to make moving chocolate!"

A few hours later Rick was tinkering when Harry walked in and said, "Daddy?"

Rick nodded and said, "Umm, yes son? Hey, do you want to meet one of daddy's friends?"

Harry nodded and Rick took him by the hand, they went through the portal and they landed in front of a garage and Harry said, "Umm daddy?"

"Hello 147," the other Rick said, "Hello there little guy I'm 137, just another version of your dad."

Harry smiled as 137 looked at Rick and said, "You got my money?"

"Hold your electrons," Rick said, "Here you go but I don't know why you want these gems."

"Hey, those gems are the greatest conductors of energy in twenty different universes," 137 said, "Hey Morty, do you have those Harry Potter books and movies?"

A boy walked in and said, "Oh my god! Is that Harry Potter? He's real?"

"Yes, yes," 137 said, "Morty, in infinite timelines everything is possible, there could even be a universe where you're not a complete idiot but in this universe my counterpart adopted Harry Potter or stole him, I don't care which one it is."

Morty passed the books over and 137 said, "Oh yeah. 147, I downloaded those fanfics for you and I'll tell you something; some of those authors have great imagination, not disparaging them but half of those fanfics have Harry being assfucked and the other half has him be part human part mythological species that I don't even think could exist in infinite timelines."

"Yeah, I visited some other timelines and let's just say that I'm going to get Harry tested, I won't have a magic Jerry fucking a magic Summer into him."

Just then Summer walked in and said, "Oh my god Morty I thought you were high when you told me that Harry Potter was here, oh my god he's so cute. Wait, is he real?"

"Yes Summer," 137 said, "He's real, god, of course he's real, I mean in one universe those Avengers you lust after are real and no we're not visiting them, Fury and I have a past," and he and 147 both shared a little grin as Rick looked at a glowing cube sitting haphazardly on the shelf.

"Oh my god," Summer said, "I write HP fanfiction, just relatively normal stuff, none of that incest bullshit."

Rick coughed and said, "Summer, I doubt that in any sane society half of these things could happen."

"Is your Dumbledore evil?" Summer asked, "Or is Voldemort secretly good?"

"I don't doubt either of those things are possible," 147 said, "and if I find my son in bed with A: one of his teachers B: a mythological creature that has formed into a sexy boy or girl just so he or she can plow my son or C: forced into an arranged marriage with a supposedly nice family that turns out to be greedy money grubbers they will find themselves in the world of that zombie show, the one where they seem only exist to suffer now."

Both Ricks laughed and Summer said, "Cool. Hey, let's be friends Harry."

Harry nodded and Rick fired the portal gun and he teleported back to his universe with Harry.

Summer looked at 137 and said, "Grandpa Rick?"

"No Summer," 137 said, "We are not going to your favourite, urrrp, fandoms because you want to see if your fave boys end up in a relationship with each other.

Summer flashed him a smile and said, "No grandpa Rick, I want to steal their stuff and sell it to their fans here for a lot of money."

"That's my girl," 137 said with a smile, "Let's do it kids, it's gonna be fun."

Back in universe 147 Harry said, "Dad, can I watch the movies with you?"

"No son," Rick said, "I'm pretty sure this will cause your head to implode and trust me, no one needs to know about your future, dad needs to plan for your future."

"Okay," Harry said as he went outside to play with Birdperson's neighbours.

Birdperson sat next to Rick and said, "Why are you doing this?"

"Because," Rick said, "I've read some of these fanfics, he might not have real friends so I should figure out who's his friend, who's his enemy and who's going to, urrp, rape him."

Birdperson frowned and said, "Very well."

TBC

What is Rick and Unity going to do with all those Voldemorts?

Should Harry accidently those fanfics?

Should Rick 137 and his family visit Rick 147?

Note: Again, I must say that I don't have any problem with HP fanfics, some of them are pretty good but some follow tired stereotypes like evil Dumbledore or good Voldemort.

Please rate and review.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Same as previous chapters.

Chapter 3.

Harry sat with Rick as they watched a game of Quidditch, Harry blinked and said, "Dad, this game makes no sense at all."

Rick frowned and thought, 'Christ, Harry's right; Quidditch is the biggest waste of time ever. Fuck, why do they even have the other players if the fucking Seeker can win the game by catching the magic flying gold ball.'

He looked at Harry who was getting angry and thought, 'Yeah, fuck it, I can't blame him on this one; "Take him to a game," Birdperson said, "Let him learn his culture," He said.'

The boy's culture was a bunch of backwards savages who apparently half believed that non-magical people eat mud and live in mud huts, secretly plotting the demise of the wizards.

Harry frowned, he did like his father but sometimes times Rick made no sense, after all they have travelled between universes, he had never even been to school but he was smarter than most kids had the right to be but he balanced that with the fact that he had seen more than his fair share of deaths and, on occasion, he had seen a few alternate Earths burn to a cinder thanks to a misuse of advanced technology.

Rick looked at the people, they had fucking reality altering power and they wasted it on fucking toys and games? Jeez, he gave Harry an Xbox and for his seventh birthday Rick took Harry to that World of something or the other.

Harry loved that place, fuck, Rick should've asked one of those mages to teach Harry then Harry could've learned some useful things, though he could still use science to change people into snakes.

Rick gave a loud belch and said, "Yeah, this is getting fucking old. Let's get out of here."

They walked off and Rick used the portal gun to take them back to Bird World, Birdperson looked up and saw the disappointed look on Harry's face, he sighed as Rick walked over to the bed and collapsed.

Birdperson sighed, this was why people thought they were soul partners. He walked over to Rick and retrieved the portal gun then he sighed as he put his hand on Harry's shoulder and said, "Let's go out for something to eat."

Harry smiled as they walked off, Birdperson sighed and said, "Your father cares about you as he cares about his other family and he saved you from some truly awful people, let me show you."

Birdperson created a portal with the device, they walked through the portal and reappeared at a rainy street and Birdperson pointed at a plain, ugly little house that looked normal and they saw a very fat man walking out, Harry frowned and then cringed as he saw another version of him who was doing all the work while the man was shouting at the boy.

"This is a universe where your father never found you after he took those crystals," Birdperson motioned showing the area, "Those are your maternal relatives and as you can see they are truly awful people but Rick… he means well and he loves you."

As they walked away Harry looked at Birdperson, he did care about Rick but they had some differing viewpoints due to Birdperson educating him at times

Harry walked with Birdperson to a nearby restaurant and Harry blinked as he realized that no one was reacting to his friend, Birdperson pointed to a device on his chest and Harry nodded, 'Neat, a cloaking device so no one would notice how odd he looks.'

Birdperson sighed and frowned as he sat down, "You and your father have always been different, for him magic is something he doesn't understand, it is a science but it's something he quite can't grasp right now."

"Oh," Harry replied, "Like time travel?"

"No," Birdperson said, "Rick knows how to time travel but there was a horrible accident he caused that made him dislike time travel."

Harry looked puzzled and Birdperson frowned and said, "Earth had two moons at one time and a rather large landmass in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that would've solved so many issues. But anyways please try to understand his feelings, it kills him to show you the world that he has a lot of contempt for."

Before Harry could say anything two loud shouts of, "Stupefy!" caught their attention and they collapsed.

Harry woke up several hours later to what he thought was his father and he said, "Dad?"

"No," the man sighed, "I'm Rick of Earth K-1LL and yeah, I know it's a shitty name. I'm a wizard, one of the only Rick's who are wizards, I'm not certain how many there are but eh, you're lucky that I was the one who found you two."

"You're not belching Rick," Harry groaned as he got up.

"Because I'm not a fucking drunk!" Rick yelled, "Because I don't go around sniffing things and snorting crystals but I'm not 137 either."

"I met him once," Harry grinned, "He was nice. Do you have a Morty?"

"He's treating your Birdperson," Rick said as he began to mix some potions together, he looked over and sighed, "There we go, got your portal gun fixed up."

"Oh," Harry smiled nervously, "Why did it need to be fixed up?"

"147 came here a few times," Rick sighed, "And well the Wizards got smart and created a spell to track it and hunt portal guns down, that's why this dimension is labelled K-1LL: that's Citadel code for death. The Wizards here want the fucking portal guns so they can rule everything, you think Voldemort was bad but at least he's not as bad as the leaders here."

Suddenly Rick sighed and said, "Harry, let me tell you one thing: very few spells are created and people are taught worthless spells that have no point, most wizards you meet can't do things the muggle way."

Harry nodded and mused, "Do I call you dad or?"

"I'm Rick Sanchez of K-1LL but you can call me friend."

Birdperson came out with an orange haired girl wearing a pink robe with a badge that had a snake on it and a boy with a black robe that had a badger badge.

Harry looked and said, "Morty and Summer?"

Summer smiled kindly and nodded, "Totally Harry, I hope our Harry is one of the cool ones."

"Nixsay on the other Harrys," Rick said while making the quiet symbol.

"Sorry," Summer smiled, "I hope you like Hogwarts when you get there."

Morty nodded and smiled, "It's awesome only if you're not dealing with half the shit we deal with."

"Yeah, Dumbledore sucks as a teacher, he gets away with things that no real teacher should get away with."

Birdperson nodded to Rick who sighed and said, "Bring him back when you can, I'll show him things that 147 won't."

"That would not be good because my Rick is very possessive of him, the boy had a sleep over one day and it was hell for me because Rick kept me up all night," Birdperson said sighing.

"Are you two…?" Rick said nudging Birdperson.

"No!" Birdperson said horrified, "No, I am not interested in Rick as a mate, I would not want the headache."

"Eh," Rick said, "Better get out of here soon, I mean right now because they could track you here and we got magic fascists running around."

Birdperson nodded as he took Harry's hand and they left K-1LL.

Summer frowned and said, "What happens now Grandpa Rick?

Rick held up two potions together and said, "We get real baby, yeah!" as he poured the contents out, the liquids began to bubble and music started to play as Rick, Morty and Summer started to dance.

"Remember," Rick said as they danced, "the next chapter is coming up soon and it's gonna be on in a week from now. Time for the Wizarding world to get its new makeover!"

Morty and Summer looked around in confusion while they danced.

Please rate and review.

Oh my, did Rick just break the fourth wall?

Like he does in the show.

Would you like to see more of Rick, Morty and Summer of K-1LL?

What house should Harry be sorted into?

TBC


End file.
